Creating Attachment Security Part Two
As mentioned in the previous post, I see the following five building blocks as essential for secure attachment: 1) Attunement and empathic responses, 2) Affection, 3) A safe and predictable environment, 4) Shared pleasure, play, and fun, and 5) Repairs.
These building blocks can go missing when there are serious problems in the home, medical conditions, loss of a parent, or separations from parents. Without the co-regulation, trust, and self-worth that are provided through the building blocks, healthy emotional and social development becomes derailed. Children often remain vigilant to their environment, mistrustful of adults, reactive, and easily dysregulated. They may build emotional walls for self-protection and search for ways to meet their own needs without assistance from adults.
As children grow older, parent-child interactions can become challenging—even when parents or caregivers had nothing to do with the child's earlier traumas. Efforts to provide nurturing, guidance, or protection may be met with resistance, leaving parents feeling confused and frustrated. Why would a child reject attempts to meet their needs?
The Adaptive Information Processing (AIP) Model, as described by Francine Shapiro (2018), offers an explanation: early disturbing experiences can become dysfunctionally stored in the brain, causing negative emotions to be reactivated repeatedly. Many kinds of interactions with caring adults can trigger these old, stored emotions, especially when those adults are significant attachment figures. In response, parents—feeling hurt or helpless—may withdraw in self-defense or try to regain control by becoming more forceful. Unfortunately, this often intensifies the child's distress and leads to even more difficult interactions.
How can parents help children who struggle to accept nurturing, protection, or guidance? First and foremost, parents need support and trauma-informed guidance from someone who truly understands the challenges they are facing. With assistance, parents can begin to respond to their child's dysregulated behaviors with a more reflective, attachment-based approach. Therapeutic support can help parents stay regulated themselves and strengthen their ability to reflect before reacting. It's hard to do this alone—when met with aggression or rejection, our instinct is to self-protect, which takes us out of the calm, reflective space our children need.
This leads to the next question: What if the parent or caregiver experienced trauma in childhood? More on this in Part 3.
References: Attachment Trauma in Children: Integrative Strategies for Parents by Debra Wesselmann (W.W. Norton, 2025); EMDR and Family Therapy: Integrative Treatment for Attachment Trauma in Children by Debra Wesselmann (W.W. Norton, 2025).
