Creating Attachment Security: The 5 Building Blocks
Attachment isn’t love, but it can provide fertile ground from which love can grow. Furthermore, it can bring our kids a felt sense of security and safety that buffers them from stress, promotes confidence, and keeps them on track developmentally.I see five building blocks we, as parents, can provide our kids to help them form a secure attachment:
Emotional attunement and empathic responses. We all feel a sense of safety and connection when we feel seen and heard in any relationship. Young kids usually aren’t able to communicate their emotions and struggles with words. Even older kids and adolescents aren’t great at it. When we use our intuition and powers of observation to attune to our child’s emotions – and when we respond with sensitivity and understanding, they feel that same sense of safety and connection we all strive for. When they can rely on us to understand and not judge them for their feelings, they know they can depend on us to have their back.
Affection. Affection may be conveyed through loving, soft eyes, a tender touch, or a smile. Each time our child senses our affection for them, the love hormone oxytocin is released in the brain. They feel a sense that they belong, and that they’re worthy of connection. Knowing how important they are to us generalizes outward to a feeling that they deserve to be here on this earth.
A safe, predictable environment. A safe environment, free of danger, promotes the development of a healthy nervous system. A safe environment with structure, routines, and consistent rules allows the child’s nervous system to stay relaxed and engaged, allowing the child to enjoy life and relationships.
Shared pleasure, play, and fun. As parents and kids enjoy time together, the child’s nervous system becomes wired for enjoyment and pleasure. More love hormones flood the brain, and relationships become associated with fulfillment and satisfaction in life. The secure parent-child relationship becomes a template for future relationships.
We’re all human. We all get overwhelmed at times. During those moments we can say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. Even a micro-expression on our face may convey irritation or a negative judgment—or a sense of disconnect. If we’re mindful and reflective, we can acknowledge our misstep and make a repair. Our kids learn that those moments are temporary and that they are actually not the end of the world!
So what about kids who have already learned not to trust others, not to love themselves, and not to expect good things? What about the kids who’ve been thrown off-course? And what about parents who struggle because of no one ever provided this building blocks when they were young?More to come-look for the next installments of “Creating Attachment Security.”
