Creating Attachment Security Amid Generational Trauma Part Three
Helping families create attachment security means looking at the whole picture, including the child's history, the parent's history, and the parent-child relationship today.
Has the child been impacted in such a way that self-protective defenses of vigilance, avoidance, control, or aggression have become obstacles to parents' attempts to provide guidance or appropriate care?
Does the parent carry unhealed trauma, narrowing their window of tolerance and interfering with their capacity to attune and reflect on the cause of their child's difficulties?
Have the parent and child become one another's triggers?
To improve parents' understanding, we need to teach them about the cycle of fear between the two of them and the need for parents to interrupt the cycle. Improving children's sense of trust and connection involves tolerating feelings of rejection or hurt to make room for reflection, reason, and wisdom. This approach can put kids back on track toward greater attachment security.
However, parents may have limitations due to their own past. Attuning to a child's anger, especially when it's directed toward the parent, is naturally difficult. It's doubly hard if parents grew up in a home where anger and mistrust was a regular occurrence. If parents felt rejected during their growing up years, the old feelings can be triggered when their child is oppositional or angry. Parents with unhealed trauma may struggle with a narrow window of tolerance for their child's negative emotions and behaviors, blocking their capacity to attune and co-regulate.
The window of tolerance concept, as described by Ogden et al. (2006), Porges (2009), and Siegel (1999), can be applied to parents' tolerance for their children's difficult emotions and behaviors.
Staying reflective and aware of our own internal state can help us provide a safe space for parents to reflect upon their difficult moments. Making sure we've done our own work helps us provide an attuned presence and develop therapeutic trust. For some parents, engaging with a supportive therapist within the family therapy setting can motivate them to engage in their own individual therapy for healing their past.
