Hidden Grief and Ambiguous Loss

Unresolved grief in ourselves or in our children can easily go underground. Society encourages us to push our grief into hiding, after all. When we have a loss that's apparent, supporters gather around us and offer empathy and encouragement—but there's often an expectation that grief should proceed through various stages in an orderly fashion and resolve in a way that's neat and tidy. That's not how it works, of course.

Grief is unpredictable. It follows a unique path for everyone. It can move along in a positive fashion and then suddenly knock us down and overwhelm us for no apparent reason. When our grief goes into hiding, it can darken our emotions and perceptions while we struggle to understand our negative outlook.

Kids who appear angry and dysregulated are often driven by hidden grief. Expressing their grief directly may leave them feeling unsafe and exposed. They may be afraid of their big feelings and have no capacity for understanding the source of their distress or for articulating why they feel what they feel.

Poor insight into our own feelings or the feelings of others is often related to the type of loss. There's less recognition and support for losses that happened years ago, or for losses of pets, homes, or communities. There's less recognition and support for women who miscarry early in pregnancy, or for the loss of the possibility of pregnancy due to infertility.

Ambiguous loss is a loss that can't be resolved due to some element of ambiguity. A common example is the loss of biological parents due to adoption, where the child has no idea of the whereabouts or well-being of the parent from whom they're now separated. Another common example is the relative who is still living but is no longer who they once were due to dementia.

If we're suffering from loss—or we don't know why we're suffering—the best thing we can do is find someone with whom we can talk openly and freely about whatever is going on in our minds and our hearts.

If we have a child or other loved one who may be suffering in some way, the best thing we can do is be present to them, listen with an open heart, and without judgment or a timeline.