Understanding the Problems of Parents and Children Through the Lens of Attachment

The Advantages of a Secure Attachment

The research in the field of attachment opens up a whole new world for all of us in understanding the problems of parents and children. Attachment is the emotional connection between any two people. However, life's first attachments are by far the most important, as they set a template for all later relationships.

Attachment between children and parents evolved naturally eons ago, as the children who developed a strong need to remain near their parents were the ones who were most likely to survive — both physically and psychologically. Children who feel the most secure in their early relationships with their parents have tremendous advantages in life. They tend to grow up feeling good about themselves and others. They cope well with life's ups and downs, and they have a strong capacity for empathy. These children naturally form other healthy, close relationships as they go out into the world.

Children who have not developed a healthy, secure attachment with parents tend to grow up feeling more anxious and insecure, disconnected, and angry.

Four Ingredients of Secure Attachment

There are four main ingredients to a secure attachment relationship.

1. Affectionate touch and eye contact. Cradling an infant, cuddling a toddler, and hugging a teenager all increase the sense of connection, especially if loving contact takes place on a daily basis throughout the growing up years.

2. Emotional attunement. Children feel close when they sense their parents care about their feelings. When parents soothe the distressed infant, reassure the frustrated toddler, or comfort the worried preschooler, they are strengthening the parent-child bond.

3. Shared pleasure. Parents and children enjoy one another through shared play, games, jokes, and giggles. Mutual enjoyment increases children's feelings of connection with their parents.

4. A consistent, predictable, and safe environment. Children need this in order to be vulnerable, open, and trusting with their parents. Without this kind of protective, dependable environment, children develop emotional walls to keep their parents and others at a distance.

Obstacles to a Secure Attachment

All babies and children are biologically programmed to attach to their parents, but not all children develop quality attachments. Several situations can interfere with a good attachment:

• Children with a difficult temperament may be so highly active or so extreme in their emotions that their parents naturally have difficulty connecting with them physically or emotionally.

• Chronic pain or separations due to hospitalizations may interfere with feelings of comfort and enjoyment, preventing the development of healthy bonds.

• Children who endured an abusive or chaotic early life and who are later placed with an adoptive family may have intense fear and hurt, and their emotional walls may be difficult to penetrate.

• Parents in stressful circumstances may be so preoccupied with solving the problems of daily life that they are unable to tune into their children's feelings and needs.

• Parents with addictions are unable to stay attuned to their children or provide a consistent, safe environment, and the whole family may be on the roller coaster together.

• Parents who grew up without secure attachment themselves often have difficulty providing it for their own children — they may feel uncomfortable with closeness, have an excessive need for control, overreact to normal misbehaviors, or fear their children don't love them.

There Is Hope for Parents and Children

Most parents love their children and want to give them the best start in life possible. By gaining a clear understanding of attachment and the obstacles they are facing, parents can overcome their difficulties and create stronger bonds with their children. Parents who lacked quality bonds as children can learn to identify and overcome the effects of their own early experiences — so that they may give their children a better emotional start to life than the one they had.